Perfectionism: How Childhood Trauma Shapes Our Pursuit of Flawlessness
Perfectionism as a Coping Mechanism for Childhood Trauma
Perfectionism often emerges as a coping mechanism in response to childhood trauma. When children experience adverse events, such as abuse, neglect, or emotional turmoil within their family, they can develop perfectionistic tendencies as a way to regain a sense of control and safety. Here's how childhood trauma can fuel perfectionism:
1. Regaining Control:
Childhood trauma can leave individuals feeling helpless and vulnerable. Perfectionism becomes a means to regain control over their lives. By setting unrealistically high standards and striving for flawlessness, they attempt to create a sense of order and predictability in their environment.
2. Seeking Approval and Safety:
Children who have experienced trauma may internalize the belief that they are responsible for the traumatic events. They may think that by being perfect, they can avoid further harm or gain the approval and love they desperately need. Perfectionism becomes a way to protect themselves from perceived threats.
3. Masking Vulnerability:
Trauma can leave emotional scars and a profound sense of vulnerability. Perfectionism serves as a mask, hiding their true emotions and insecurities. It allows them to present an image of competence and control to the world while concealing their pain.
4. Coping with Fear:
The fear of making mistakes or not meeting impossibly high standards can serve as a distraction from the emotional pain caused by childhood trauma. Perfectionism keeps them busy striving for an unattainable ideal, leaving little room for processing their feelings.
5. Self-Criticism and Self-Worth:
Perfectionists often engage in harsh self-criticism. For those who have experienced trauma, this inner voice may echo the negative messages they received during their traumatic experiences. They may believe they are fundamentally flawed and unworthy of love or acceptance.
Examples of How Perfectionism is Developed in Childhood
To better understand how childhood trauma within a dysfunctional family can contribute to the development of the unrelenting standards/perfectionism schema, let's explore a few hypothetical examples:
1. The Overachieving Household:
Imagine a family where high achievement and success are highly emphasized. Parents set impossibly high standards for their child's academic performance, extracurricular activities, and overall behavior. The child internalizes these expectations and learns that their worth is directly tied to their ability to meet these demanding standards. As a result, in adulthood they will be constantly striving for flawlessness and fearing any hint of failure.
2. The Critical Parental Figure:
In another scenario, picture a family with a critical and perfectionistic parental figure. This parent is quick to point out any mistakes or imperfections, often with harsh criticism. The child grows up believing that they must meet these unattainable standards to gain approval and avoid criticism. Over time, they adopt this inner critical voice, setting themselves up for constant self-scrutiny.
3. The Neglectful Family:
In a neglectful family, a child's emotional needs may go unmet, leaving them feeling invisible and insignificant. To cope with this lack of emotional support, they may develop an unrelenting standards schema. They believe that if they can excel in every aspect of their life, they can finally earn the love and attention they yearn for.
4. The Emotionally Immature Parent:
In some families, one or both parents may exhibit emotionally immature behaviors. This is common where there is a lot of drug or alcohol use or a parent suffers from a mental illness The parent(s) struggle to regulate their own emotions, may be unpredictable in their responses, and have difficulty providing emotional support and validation. In such an environment, the child's emotional needs often go unmet, and they may receive mixed or inconsistent messages about their worth and value. To cope, the child may adopt the belief that by excelling and achieving, they can finally earn the love and attention they crave from their emotionally immature parents. In essence, perfectionism becomes a shield against the emotional turbulence of their family environment. The child becomes hyper-vigilant, striving to anticipate and meet their parents' ever-changing emotional needs, which are often unclear and unexpressed. This constant quest for perfectionism can continue into adulthood, leading to unrelenting standards and a deep-seated fear of making mistakes.
Conclusion
In each of these scenarios, the child adapts to their family's dysfunctional dynamics by adopting perfectionism as a coping mechanism. They believe that by setting and rigidly adhering to unrelenting standards, they can secure love, validation, or a semblance of control. If you found any of this information resonated with you and your childhood experience, recognizing that perfectionism can be a survival strategy developed in response to childhood trauma is the first step toward healing. Therapy, particularly modalities like Schema Therapy or EMDR, can help individuals address the underlying trauma, challenge perfectionistic tendencies, and learn healthier ways to cope and relate to themselves.